It was already late as I sat correcting the letter he had written. Having spent the morning working from home and the evening in the hotel, my patience was starting to wear thin. As he leaned over my shoulder and commented on a typo I’d made, I shouted at him that it wasn’t my fault his writing sucked and I got up and walked off. From that moment we just sat in silence not talking to each other.
Recently I’ve been having more and more days where I wonder what on earth I am doing. I put so much of my energy in to trying to build my business and I’m nowhere near where I want to be. I spend all of my time trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, or not doing all, and it makes me feel like I’m going mad. I’m so wrapped in my drama, drama that I’m creating for myself, that I’m taking it out on the person I love the most.
In a world with an online society built around making your life look perfect to the outside world, the imperfections feel like a dirty secret that eats you up from the inside, and the only person you can let your frustration out on is the person standing closest to you.
As we lay in bed, our backs turned to one another I realised I was being stupid. By taking my frustration out on him, I might have been hurting him, but I was hurting myself more.
I’ve been doing a lot of work on my mindset recently and realised how much I’ve been a self-sabotager, in so many more ways that I ever realised. I’m learning that it’s a part of our ingrained defence system. When we feel fear of getting hurt, whether it’s the fear of physical pain or emotional pain, our brains start the “fight or flight” way of thinking and we react in a way that we think is protecting ourselves. Except that this primitive response doesn’t work because the threat that we think we are protecting ourselves from is usually something we’ve created in our own minds. What we need to do is take ownership of our feelings and call ourselves out on our own bulls&%t.
At the end of the day, only I have the power to choose how I feel and how I react to a situation. I can choose to feel like everything around me is falling apart, like the world is out to get me and guess what, then it probably will be. Or I can choose to focus on what makes me happy and surround myself with those things.
We all have a choice in how we behave. In the words of one of my favourite TV shows “Don’t be a dick!”