Over the last couple of months I’ve started to get in to a new habit. I know many people that do it, and they swear it works wonders for their businesses and their personal lives.
So recently I started to give it a go as well.
Every morning, I get up, make myself a cup of tea, and before I check my phone/email/Facebook, I write in my journal.
When people think of keeping a journal, what often comes to mind is a teenage girl sitting in her room, writing about who she has a crush on this week. And for a long time, I resisted. None of this hippy voodoo nonsense, thank you very much. How is journalling about my feelings going to help my business anyway??
But then one day, I woke up and thought to myself, why not? Why am I resisting trying something that so many rave about. And so I started.
I journal about what I’m grateful for, I journal about how I’m feeling, I journal about what I want to achieve this week. I also journal about my wildest dreams and my greatest desires. What my dream life looks like. Etc etc. You get the idea. I’ve done a few exercises now about looking at what I want to achieve and how I see my life in x years time.
And in all of this, there’s a lot I have written about. Where I see my business going, where I see my life going, the places I’ll have seen and the thing’s I’ll have achieved. But every time, there is one thing that never makes it in to my “dream life” scenario. Something I thought for a long time that I wanted.
It’s not to say that I’m certain that I don’t want kids. Because we’ve always talked about having a family one day. And we talk about travelling the world with our kids, teaching them to ski, taking them on adventures. I know Menno doesn’t want kids right now either, but I’m 31 now and I don’t have forever to make my mind up.
It is not my dream to become a mother. Most of the time when I try to picture what our lives would be like with children, it’s not a happy vision. Some days I feel ashamed and I worry about this. What if my thoughts don’t change? What if we decide to do it anyway, listening to all the people who tell us that when you have your own kids, your views change. That you’ll never be ready but you just have to take the leap. But what if I become a mother and I hate it? It’s not like I can change my decision afterwards!